I don't know where i'm going. Or where to go...
or some other vague statement of confusion/indecision
the emotional side is mirrored by the simple fact that now, as i prepare to leave the cubicle that has entertained my unpleasant self for a shorter-than-it-seemed workday, i don't know what physical location could possibly accomodate me.
if thing's aren't the same in the mind... if your thoughts are wandering without direction...
can the body just return to where it was before?
I don't know.

it's 5:30 am and i'm walking through the byward market. i have a headache, although it's not from drinking... a mind more concerned with the beauty of style might find that my head aches from the weight of thought, but that would be embelishment without a factual basis. a lack of sleep and a not yet satisfied hunger are two slightly more practical explanations.
the sun is starting to come up, the sky is a light blue, but it still feels dark. 4 empty bottles of gatorade and a couple time as many cigarette butts keep a sleeping man company just inside the church's fenced off grounds. there's next to no activity even in the heart of the market, 4 servers from Zak's finish their shifts and light up cigarettes as they leave. as i pass them i wonder whether they recognise me from my very brief appearance a couple hours earlier... but i doubt it. the look they're giving me is probably the same they would give anyone walking around at this time of night?/morning?. i'm not really sure why i'm walking, but sleep holds no appeal for me right no........ it's not that i'm too busy thinking. thinking is the worst thing i could do right now.
i could take the bus. that would be good. but i don't have any bus tickets. ar there buses this early in the morning? why didn't i take the bus yesterday... "why?" is a question i could get a lot of use out of if i'm going to think about yesterday.
although i don't know if "yesterday" is the right word. the action is fairly equally split between pre and post midnight hours, and as i haven't slept yet and the sun has risen there is really no point in pretending that it's still saturday.
i want breakfast.
loeb-24 hours. the night cashier (who i've become somewhat familiar with simply because i hate to waste a daytime hour on something as dreary as buying a bag of frozen raspberries for my granola) is heading out for a cigarette. "don't worry" i answer "i'll be a couple minutes".
i can sympathise with his desire for a cigarette.... if i was a smoker i'd probably be burning through them.
i buy plums. and a yogurt/berry/granola bowl.
i walk. i'm back where i started... it's a bit after 6. i sit down to eat my granola. maybe someone will wake up. anyone. i could just really use a few words.
the granola is done. and my free newspaper isn't that interresting at the moment.
this is ridiculous. i'm going home.
i try not to wake up my roomates and lie down on my bed, call for a ride home.... real home. i want more than two pillows... i want lots of grass. i want a change... from my change.
maybe i'm not thinking clearly. once i get to sleep i'll be able to properly evaluate what has just happenned to me. (wait, that makes it sound far too passive... i'm far from passive in all of this even though it somehow feels like i'm disconnected... yet as i become more and more tired the wall i've established between myself and this strange saturday night seems to erode and while my headache is gone (unfortunately, my legs are shaking at random instead and i feel as though my guts were practicing nautical knots), the thoughts that that offer that irresistable opportunity for metaphor........ the mind aches with heavy thoughts......... are back.

Postivie male role models

overheard as i walk down cumberland from U of O campus...

sketchy dude: ... and the other time they were allowed to search me because i was using drugs, but this time they had no reason to be bothering me...
cute 7 year old kid: uh uh
sketchy dude: ...i mean, it's totally unfair.....